While we're waiting.
10 years ago
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The Monster Inside Me, an Essay.
The Monster In Us All
"Monster". The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines this word as: "1. An animal or plant of abnormal form or structure. 2. One who deviates form normal or acceptable behavior. 3. At threatening force. 4. Something "monstrous"; especially a person of unnatural or extreme ugliness; deformity, wickedness or cruelty." The word is derived from the Latin verb "monere" which means "to remind, to warn". The conjugated form "mostrum" means "an omen" . Related terms: "Freak, fiend, ogre."
The Monster is a re-occuring theme in literature and film. It stands as a metaphor for our greatest fears personified; be it the imaginary boogey man lurking under our bed as a child, things that go bump in the night, a scarily deformed medical anomaly we saw on the evening news, or the darkest side of our personality. For the most part, the "monster" is the unknown. The scariest thing to most is what we cannot understand, cannot see, cannot explain in a way that makes us comfortable, seeing the world as safe and explicable.
In Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein' we see the medical anomaly of the the term. A "mad" scientist, Victor Frankenstein, who creates a monster out of different parts of corpses, a terrible looking creature. "His yellow skin scarcely covered the work of muscles and arteries beneath; his hair was of a lustrous black, and flowing; his teeth of a pearly whiteness; but these luxuriances only formed a more horrid contrast with his watery eyes that seemed almost of the same color as the dun white sockets in which they were set, his shrivelled complexion, and straight black lips." Not something I'd like to bump into in a dark alley. An automatic outcast, physical beauty, and lack thereof is perhaps the ultimate sin in our culture. Even Victor is terrified of his creation, having intended him to be the pinnacle of human beauty and brawn, he flees in terror from the room. The "monster" awakens him that night at his bedside with out stretched arms, his version of "Love me, daddy." Victor flees again and the monster disappears. He learns to speak by watching a peasant family and performs kind deeds that they are unaware of due to the fact that anyone who sees him flees in terror. He admits to murdering Victor's brother and framing their maid for the crime out of revenge. What more human a quality is the need to avenge wrong doing against oneself?! He asks Victor to make for him a female counterpart so he does not have to go through life alone, perhaps the most human of all fundamental fears. Victor complies but has a change of heart and dismantles the female version thinking she will be just as horrifying as his previous creation. The monster is angry, he kills Victor's best friend and later, his wife, running off into the abyss where Victor is in hot pursuit. When they are reunited, Victor's has died and the monster is devastated, he shows true human emotion by feeling remorse. We are meant to view the monster as something to be feared, a model of bad behavior, but if you look deeper you see a reflection of Victor himself, ourselves. What we humans really desire is understanding and acceptance. It is what drives our pursuits as part of our biology. The monster is a metaphor for the inborn evils that exist in human nature: ignorance, violence, and ugliness. These are things that we all have within us but are conditioned are inappropriate behaviors. So the monster is not a monster at all, he is a rough model of humanity, a reflection of our scariest selves. "The fallen angel becomes a malignant devil".
Another literary example of this re-ocurring theme is the Vampire monster featured in Bram Stoker's 'Dracula'. Here we have a social outcast, the Count living an existence whose behavior terrifies others because it is abnormal and sinister by their association. He is immortal, undead,feasting on the blood of his unsuspecting victims. The local people are terrified of him and try to persuade the character Jonathan Harker (who is visiting him to help him sort out some legal documents and real estate) from going further than the train station. Jonathan is at first intrigued by the Count's charismatic nature but soon finds that he is indeed diabolical and dangerous. Jonathan discovers he is imprisoned in the castle at the mercy of the Count and his three "strange women". They are strange and taboo because they exist in a state unlike the other local people. The local's lives are dominated by Christianity, which has a strict moral conduct. The Vampire maidens exist as a sexual temptation to Jonathan, who is engaged. He finds them alluring and repulsive at the same time. He writes in his journal: "I felt in my heart a wicked, burning desire that they would kiss me with those red lips. It is not good to note this down, lest some day it should meet Mina's eyes and cause her pain; but it it the truth." The sin of infidelity, and the atonement of guilt. The Count to the town's people is personification of the devil. Harker escapes and journeys home. In his absence the Count pursues his fiance Mina, who in an obviously sensual manner, with the overt sexual implication of this exchange of fluids, he feeds off of. She begins to form an invisible bond with Dracula, becoming "possessed" by this devil. She is hypnotized in order to become a channel for the Count's whereabouts. She feels "unclean" and unholy as a vessel for this monster. She expresses this to her (now) husband and attending Dr. Van Helsing, who protects her by crucifix. Jonathan (who has since been reunited) says: "Nonsense, Mina. It is a shame to me to hear such a word. I would not hear it of you; and shall not hear it form you. May God judge me by my deserts, and punish me with more bitter suffering than even this hour..." All of this Christian prayer and artifacts are their protection from the Vampire devil. He is the ultimate Christian deviant; sexual perversion, cannibalism, lust, greed and devilish behavior. The ultimate monster amongst Christians.
This brings us to what I believe is the ultimate "monster", and an existing contemporary theme: the monster of mental illness. All of the works we have read have touched on the subject and it's gothic elements, but the master of this apparent monster is Edgar Allan Poe. In 'A Tell-tale Heart' the nameless narrator murders an old man because of his "vulture eye". He cuts up the body and hides it under the floor boards. He then experiences auditory hallucinations of the man's heart beating under the floor. This act is very obviously grotesque, insane and wrong, or is it? The narrator gives his account on why his sanity is up for discussion. "True!-nervous-very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses-not destroyed-not dulled them....How, then, am I mad?" That is how he begins the story. He perceives his illness has made his senses acute, sees it as an asset. Brings to mind the saying "There is a thin line between madness and genius." Poe himself walked this line. He was an eccentric and tormented man, but also a true genius of his time. He was also very obviously mentally ill. His life was spotted with death and tragedy. I believe him to have suffered from severe depression, possibly bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and anxiety, as well as very obvious alcoholism that was debatably his cause of death. The character in 'A Tell-tale Heart' suffers from some similar afflictions. It is an uncomfortable read. Mental illness is the final medical frontier; we can study it all we like but it is not as cut and dry as simple bodily anatomy. The mind is subjective. Can we ever really know what goes on in someone else's brain? We cannot. Which is what makes the mentally ill the ultimate "monsters". We are ingrained to fear what we cannot and do not understand.
I am reminded of the re-ocurring tormented madman/triumphant artist dichotomy with the example of many artists and musicians who also walked that line. One of my favorites is Daniel Johnston, who was featured in a documentary several years ago called "The Devil and Daniel Johnston". He has suffered from severe bipolar depression and touches of schizophrenia. He is also a brilliant artist and a fragile and beautiful soul. One of his more well known songs is "The Monster Inside Me" where he talks about his illness, his pursuit of love and happiness and his embracing of his "monster", a part of himself he knows exists regardless.
These are the lyrics:
Every time you look at me
You see the monster in my eye
If you could only help me girl
We could be in paradise
Be happy every after
And there would be no more tears
Eternal peace is what I'm after
Maybe girl, you could help me understand
The monster inside of me
You know that I want you
You can see that I need you
But you hate the monster
Well honey, I do too.
I need your love to carry me
Out of the darkness of the pit
You know I feel just like shit
Maybe girl, you could help me fight
The monster inside of me
Maybe if someone had said to Vincent Van Gogh
"Keep punching, Joe!"
Maybe he'd be here today.
Maybe he'd be here today.
You inspire the strength within
And I can be conquerer
As my spirit rise above us
Maybe girl, you could help me destroy
The monster inside of me
And we could be happy
And we could be happy
And we could be happy
And we could be happy
I think this song is an example of the monster inside everyone.
On that note (pun intended), what we cannot rationalize, dissect, or ultimately understand becomes our greatest fear, or scariest "monster".
The alter ego, the shadow self, the taboo, the crazy, the ugly, the inexplicable, the inherent beauty of darkness.
"Monster". The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines this word as: "1. An animal or plant of abnormal form or structure. 2. One who deviates form normal or acceptable behavior. 3. At threatening force. 4. Something "monstrous"; especially a person of unnatural or extreme ugliness; deformity, wickedness or cruelty." The word is derived from the Latin verb "monere" which means "to remind, to warn". The conjugated form "mostrum" means "an omen" . Related terms: "Freak, fiend, ogre."
The Monster is a re-occuring theme in literature and film. It stands as a metaphor for our greatest fears personified; be it the imaginary boogey man lurking under our bed as a child, things that go bump in the night, a scarily deformed medical anomaly we saw on the evening news, or the darkest side of our personality. For the most part, the "monster" is the unknown. The scariest thing to most is what we cannot understand, cannot see, cannot explain in a way that makes us comfortable, seeing the world as safe and explicable.
In Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein' we see the medical anomaly of the the term. A "mad" scientist, Victor Frankenstein, who creates a monster out of different parts of corpses, a terrible looking creature. "His yellow skin scarcely covered the work of muscles and arteries beneath; his hair was of a lustrous black, and flowing; his teeth of a pearly whiteness; but these luxuriances only formed a more horrid contrast with his watery eyes that seemed almost of the same color as the dun white sockets in which they were set, his shrivelled complexion, and straight black lips." Not something I'd like to bump into in a dark alley. An automatic outcast, physical beauty, and lack thereof is perhaps the ultimate sin in our culture. Even Victor is terrified of his creation, having intended him to be the pinnacle of human beauty and brawn, he flees in terror from the room. The "monster" awakens him that night at his bedside with out stretched arms, his version of "Love me, daddy." Victor flees again and the monster disappears. He learns to speak by watching a peasant family and performs kind deeds that they are unaware of due to the fact that anyone who sees him flees in terror. He admits to murdering Victor's brother and framing their maid for the crime out of revenge. What more human a quality is the need to avenge wrong doing against oneself?! He asks Victor to make for him a female counterpart so he does not have to go through life alone, perhaps the most human of all fundamental fears. Victor complies but has a change of heart and dismantles the female version thinking she will be just as horrifying as his previous creation. The monster is angry, he kills Victor's best friend and later, his wife, running off into the abyss where Victor is in hot pursuit. When they are reunited, Victor's has died and the monster is devastated, he shows true human emotion by feeling remorse. We are meant to view the monster as something to be feared, a model of bad behavior, but if you look deeper you see a reflection of Victor himself, ourselves. What we humans really desire is understanding and acceptance. It is what drives our pursuits as part of our biology. The monster is a metaphor for the inborn evils that exist in human nature: ignorance, violence, and ugliness. These are things that we all have within us but are conditioned are inappropriate behaviors. So the monster is not a monster at all, he is a rough model of humanity, a reflection of our scariest selves. "The fallen angel becomes a malignant devil".
Another literary example of this re-ocurring theme is the Vampire monster featured in Bram Stoker's 'Dracula'. Here we have a social outcast, the Count living an existence whose behavior terrifies others because it is abnormal and sinister by their association. He is immortal, undead,feasting on the blood of his unsuspecting victims. The local people are terrified of him and try to persuade the character Jonathan Harker (who is visiting him to help him sort out some legal documents and real estate) from going further than the train station. Jonathan is at first intrigued by the Count's charismatic nature but soon finds that he is indeed diabolical and dangerous. Jonathan discovers he is imprisoned in the castle at the mercy of the Count and his three "strange women". They are strange and taboo because they exist in a state unlike the other local people. The local's lives are dominated by Christianity, which has a strict moral conduct. The Vampire maidens exist as a sexual temptation to Jonathan, who is engaged. He finds them alluring and repulsive at the same time. He writes in his journal: "I felt in my heart a wicked, burning desire that they would kiss me with those red lips. It is not good to note this down, lest some day it should meet Mina's eyes and cause her pain; but it it the truth." The sin of infidelity, and the atonement of guilt. The Count to the town's people is personification of the devil. Harker escapes and journeys home. In his absence the Count pursues his fiance Mina, who in an obviously sensual manner, with the overt sexual implication of this exchange of fluids, he feeds off of. She begins to form an invisible bond with Dracula, becoming "possessed" by this devil. She is hypnotized in order to become a channel for the Count's whereabouts. She feels "unclean" and unholy as a vessel for this monster. She expresses this to her (now) husband and attending Dr. Van Helsing, who protects her by crucifix. Jonathan (who has since been reunited) says: "Nonsense, Mina. It is a shame to me to hear such a word. I would not hear it of you; and shall not hear it form you. May God judge me by my deserts, and punish me with more bitter suffering than even this hour..." All of this Christian prayer and artifacts are their protection from the Vampire devil. He is the ultimate Christian deviant; sexual perversion, cannibalism, lust, greed and devilish behavior. The ultimate monster amongst Christians.
This brings us to what I believe is the ultimate "monster", and an existing contemporary theme: the monster of mental illness. All of the works we have read have touched on the subject and it's gothic elements, but the master of this apparent monster is Edgar Allan Poe. In 'A Tell-tale Heart' the nameless narrator murders an old man because of his "vulture eye". He cuts up the body and hides it under the floor boards. He then experiences auditory hallucinations of the man's heart beating under the floor. This act is very obviously grotesque, insane and wrong, or is it? The narrator gives his account on why his sanity is up for discussion. "True!-nervous-very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses-not destroyed-not dulled them....How, then, am I mad?" That is how he begins the story. He perceives his illness has made his senses acute, sees it as an asset. Brings to mind the saying "There is a thin line between madness and genius." Poe himself walked this line. He was an eccentric and tormented man, but also a true genius of his time. He was also very obviously mentally ill. His life was spotted with death and tragedy. I believe him to have suffered from severe depression, possibly bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and anxiety, as well as very obvious alcoholism that was debatably his cause of death. The character in 'A Tell-tale Heart' suffers from some similar afflictions. It is an uncomfortable read. Mental illness is the final medical frontier; we can study it all we like but it is not as cut and dry as simple bodily anatomy. The mind is subjective. Can we ever really know what goes on in someone else's brain? We cannot. Which is what makes the mentally ill the ultimate "monsters". We are ingrained to fear what we cannot and do not understand.
I am reminded of the re-ocurring tormented madman/triumphant artist dichotomy with the example of many artists and musicians who also walked that line. One of my favorites is Daniel Johnston, who was featured in a documentary several years ago called "The Devil and Daniel Johnston". He has suffered from severe bipolar depression and touches of schizophrenia. He is also a brilliant artist and a fragile and beautiful soul. One of his more well known songs is "The Monster Inside Me" where he talks about his illness, his pursuit of love and happiness and his embracing of his "monster", a part of himself he knows exists regardless.
These are the lyrics:
Every time you look at me
You see the monster in my eye
If you could only help me girl
We could be in paradise
Be happy every after
And there would be no more tears
Eternal peace is what I'm after
Maybe girl, you could help me understand
The monster inside of me
You know that I want you
You can see that I need you
But you hate the monster
Well honey, I do too.
I need your love to carry me
Out of the darkness of the pit
You know I feel just like shit
Maybe girl, you could help me fight
The monster inside of me
Maybe if someone had said to Vincent Van Gogh
"Keep punching, Joe!"
Maybe he'd be here today.
Maybe he'd be here today.
You inspire the strength within
And I can be conquerer
As my spirit rise above us
Maybe girl, you could help me destroy
The monster inside of me
And we could be happy
And we could be happy
And we could be happy
And we could be happy
I think this song is an example of the monster inside everyone.
On that note (pun intended), what we cannot rationalize, dissect, or ultimately understand becomes our greatest fear, or scariest "monster".
The alter ego, the shadow self, the taboo, the crazy, the ugly, the inexplicable, the inherent beauty of darkness.
Holy Moly, It's MatriMOANy
I have never been married, nor do I aspire to. I respect the sanctity of marriage, I think it is lovely that two people feel like they can be committed and happy with one person for the rest of their lives, I know several couples who have been together for multiple decades happily and securely. I do not however believe this is conducive to general human nature. I believe Margaret Mead's theory on serial love (we choose successive mates throughout our lives based on the life stage we are currently in) rings true for a large portion of humans, especially my generation. Although Mead was also poly-amorous, having several lovers at the same time which to me sounds both emotionally exhausting and open to jealousy and insecurity. I'm more of a serial monogamist. My last long term relationship ended amicably because we were growing apart due to where we were headed individually, both emotionally and physically. We were entering new phases of our lives that were not compatible to each other, even though we were a good match intellectually, physically and emotionally. It was a fantastic, well balanced functional relationship. It just wasn't forever.
I certainly can't see myself getting married until my gay friends are universally given the same marriage rights. How can I believe in an institution that promotes only one kind of acceptable love, isn't that ultimately what marriage and long term commitment are based on? Granted I am young, independent and restless. I'm too busy cultivating my individual life and improving my own future, and I am thankful I was born in the century I was born in, my grandmother's generation frowned on single women living alone. I am proud that I pay my own bills, am independently employed and have many opportunities unprovided to previous generations. I have the luxury of questioning the necessity of marriage. But you know, I am a true believer in love, a hopeless romantic, total cheese-ball, and despite my cynical opinion- I always cry at weddings.
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