WaxPoetix

Imbolc.

2012-02-02T18:25:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it has taken me almost 30 years to realize that not everyone always deserves the benefit of the doubt and that some people, whether it is nature or nurtured are just not that awesome... and furthermore I can choose to not have them in my life and in my heart. I will always always always be a compassionate and loving human being but this whole "having healthy boundaries" thing is a wonderful concept.

For possibly the first time in my life...

2011-06-14T23:53:00.000-07:00

...I feel like I actually believe in God and feel that presence....

Salty Prayers.

2011-03-11T00:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Ocean,
I really love and respect you.
Please don't kill me.
Love,
Angelina

2011-02-28T00:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel as if I live a hundred lives in a single minute.

Reasons I Love My Belly (and have abolished body hatred):

2011-01-24T21:05:00.000-08:00

It's part of me. It's soft. It's a great prop for an iPod or a book. It makes a good drum. My cat loves it. Children think it's funny. It's warm. It has been through a lot with me. It's a great barometer for my emotional and physical health. It makes me look and feel like a woman. It is a waste of energy to not lovingly embrace any part of myself.

The Ex-files.

2010-12-11T18:52:00.000-08:00

It is a truly wonderful and amazing thing when you realize you are truly friends with your ex.

Current Fave Jamz

2010-11-17T21:05:00.000-08:00

Dynamite-Taio Cruz (it's sooo top 40, but it's sooo bangin'!)

Club Can't Handle Me (feat. David Guetta)-Flo Rida (see above)

Letting Go (Dutty Love)-Sean Kingston Ft. Nicki Minaj (dis my JAM)

Young Forever (Eyes Dubstep Remix)-Jay-Z (I am apparently the only person/dj not completely obsessed with dubstep at the moment, not every fucking song needs a dubstep remix, but there are some rare gems)

I Can Make The Pain Disappear-Fear of Tigers (so clubby, so euro!)

Coochie Dip City-Das Racist (das good shit)

My Jamaican Guy-Grace Jones (LL Cool J was a genius to sample this)

Don't Stop Just Dance-Lady Gaga x Journey x DJ Slink (I want to hate it, but alas, I cannot, Gaga? Journey? What's not to love?!)

Chattanooga Choo Choo (DMoeFunk Club Mix)-The Andrews Sisters (remix by my dj homie and sometimes gig partner Dan Moe, an amazing dj and all around stellar dude)

Hang With Me (Avicii Remix)-Robyn (all Robyn all the time!)

Candy-Cameo (man, fuck Word Up, this is the best Cameo song)

Good Times-Roll Deep (some real English club shit! Reminds me of 90's Corona, which is a good thing)

Mr. Postman (Dubstep Refix)-Cragga (yeah, yeah, I've heard it a bijillion times too, but there's a reason for it!)

Bad Romance (Grum Remix)-Lady Gaga (so New Wave! Best Gaga remix ever)

Jotkut Muijat ft. Mariska-Lord Est (Bollywoooood!)

Half Light II (No Celebration)-Arcade Fire (it's the anthem, get your damn hands up)

Tarzan Boy-Baltimora (I will always play this song, forever and a day)

Fuck You-Cee Lo Green (duh)

The Opposite Of Adults (KIDS)-Chiddy Bang (I love this shit)

Tik Tok (Fred Falke Remix Club)-Ke$ha (awesome remix, that Kesha ho has the best producers)

Song For No One-Miike Snow (I dig all their shit, but this is my fave)

Cooler Than Me (Gigamesh Remix)-Mike Posner (the lyrics are dum dum but the song is goodish, remix is better, like Sister Act 2)

I'm A Lady (Diplo Mix Ft Amanda Blank)-Santogold (Santigold, whatever, potato, potahhhhto, good song)

I Need A Light-Warren G. (endearingly sad and soulful)

And that's the short list!
xo

POOF! Be gone.

2010-10-26T18:42:00.000-07:00

I wish some people would just drop off the face of the fucking earth. Or go live on a remote island somewhere completely out of my periphery. Mostly I wish I didn't feel like a caged animal every time I saw them, which is inevitable, pretty much on a daily basis.
Get the fuck outta my heart, outta my head and outta my face!
Disappear.

2010-10-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

The End.

Clean Bill of Health

2010-10-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

It has been just over a year since I had an abnormal PAP. I had some extensive and very invasive gynecological procedures done to determine that I had abnormal cells on my cervix that were the cancer causing variety. After that round of tests, including a colposcopy which fucking SUCKED it was determined that no cancer was present but there were cellular changes that if multiplied could feasibly turn into cervical cancer. This morning I got the results of my yearly exam. NORMAL. Nothing awry. Happy cervix. Happy Angelina. Big fucking sigh of relief. And here is a jellyfish photo I took that looks like a cervix:

28.

2010-09-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

I am 28 years young today.

2010-09-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

Out of the darkness and into the light.

MUSE-IC

2010-08-10T01:30:00.000-07:00

Music fills my heart to the very brim!

Anniversary

2010-07-31T23:22:00.001-07:00

Today is the ten year anniversary of the worst day of my life. It was ten years ago today that my oldest sister Becky passed away. She was my best friend, my confidant and my heart. There is a saying "great loss makes you impervious to pain"; I do not believe that it makes you impervious but it does put things into perspective. Nothing will ever hurt as much as that day and because of that loss I know I can handle whatever life throws at me.

The human soul is incredibly resilient. :)
R.I.P. Rebecca Anne Martin

I GRIEVE FOR YOU.

2010-06-17T21:37:00.000-07:00

Dr. Emoto's Healing Gulf Prayer:
"I send the energy of love and gratitude to the water and all the living creatures in the Gulf of Mexico and its surroundings.To the whales, dolphins, pelicans, fish, shellfish, plankton, coral, algae, and all living creatures . . .
I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you."

2010-06-10T00:35:00.000-07:00

If you could be a fusion of two animals, which two would they be and what would your new animal name be? such as(lion+tiger= Liger)

2010-03-25T21:26:00.001-07:00

Sharwhal. A shark and a narwhal. Which I guess would just be a shark with a tusk. Which is AWESOME.

Ask me anything

What celebrity would play you in a movie about your life?

2010-03-25T21:09:00.001-07:00

Samuel L. Jackson.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-03-25T21:08:00.003-07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/mudgrrl

Do you believe there's intelligent life on other planets?

2010-03-25T21:08:00.001-07:00

sure. just not on this planet.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-03-25T21:07:00.001-07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/mudgrrl

Foodz n late night munchiez.

2010-03-12T01:24:00.000-08:00

What I should eat:

What I'm gonna eat:

Fuck it, I'm eatin' both.

Tulip Mania

2010-03-08T00:07:00.000-08:00

TULIP FARMS!!!

2010-03-02T17:45:00.001-08:00

For in this moment, it is perfect. Even if all we have is this moment.

Get Your Nails DID.

2010-02-28T02:31:00.000-08:00

Let it Bleed.

2010-02-14T20:58:00.000-08:00

Fuck You To The Following:

2010-02-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

Hypocrites, humorless sticks-in-the-mud, art non-appreciaters, tight asses and emotionally retarded adults. You made my day shitty today. Get over yourselves. Get laid, maybe you wouldn't be so uptight.
SHEESH.

Neato

2010-01-20T03:17:00.000-08:00

Thanks Daddy!

Sometimes I Worry...

2010-01-20T03:04:00.000-08:00

... THAT THIS IS WHERE I'M HEADED!

Celebrity Rehab 3!

2010-01-09T23:15:00.000-08:00

My pre-show synopsis:

Tom Sizemore, that dumb evil little bitch Kari Ann Peniche from last season comes back, Mackenzie Phillips, Dennis Rodman, Heidi Fleiss, are you fucking kidding me?! Oh this shit gonna be goooood! I wonder how many of these D-listers are put up to this by agents who's means are getting their client's name back in the media periphery.

Dennis Rodman: Apparently a court ordered stay. Right off the bat seems a tad brain-dead and totally unresponsive. tough nut to crack, this one.

Mindy Mcready: Country music star I've never heard of. Trainwreck domestic situations. Ugh, girl- dump that zero and find yourself a hero! Doesn't think she's addicted to drugs, but if you can smell a lie or read her face you can see she's bullshitting about something.

Mike Starr: Some dude from Alice in Chains. Fucking free bases heroin and coke with his dad! He seems pretty salvageable. Has a nasty infection abscess near his genital area injection site.

Mackenzie Phillips: Man, what a life! Incest with her father. Sheesh. I'd be doing drugs too. She seems very self composed and self aware despite her tragedy.

Lisa D'Amato (from Top Model): Why was she ever a model? She's got a face like a halibut. Seems more like a party girl that indulges too much who has had some tumults in her past, not an addict. Dr. Drew says: "Using alcohol as a drug to relax, is not a normal relationship to alcohol." What the fuck is? Who drinks JUST because they love the way it tastes? Seriously.

Heidi Fleiss: Bitch's face is meth BUSTED! Dang. She looks like the Crypt Keeper. I can't even comment on her personality 'cuz I can't get over her FACE!

Joey Kovar (from the Real World): Gacked out Guido who's main addiction seems to be hair gel. He has crazy coke eyes! He is a crazy testosterone fueled liability. Has a baby on the way. Wants to get clean for his kid. Well, that's commendable.

Oh man, this gonna be a good one!

Current Celebrity Crushes

2009-12-19T02:53:00.000-08:00

In no particular order other than the first and always...

+ SLASH: Sigh. The man, the myth, the hotness. My number one celebrity crush of all time. I fucking feel like one of those psycho screaming Elvis Beatles fan girls. When I see him on film I am reduced to a shrieking puddle of girl juice. I have read the autobiography, books about GnR, I could tell you his life story, down to the custom guitars he shreds. I even accosted someone dressed as Slash on Halloween this year and drunkenly professed my love (for Slash). SIGH.

+ Kat Von D: Say what you will about heavily tattooed hipster L.A. chicks, but I am totally taken with her charismatic bubbly personality. Love the raspy voice and rocker girl mentality. Plus her art is incredible. I fucking love you, Kat.

+ Coco: Wife of Ice-T, model, thickest booty anywhere. And the bitch is white as a snowflake. Yeah, yeah, the tits are enormous fake booby orbs and she rocks a barbie doll porno look, but, seriously, HAVE YOU SEEN HER ASS? It is a thing of booty...I mean beauty.

+ Josh Homme: Of Queens of the Stone Age glory. Big redheaded Viking motherfucker with a voice like an angel, a sexy, sweaty angel. Dirty hot. Phew.

+ T.I.: Rappers are not usually my cup of tea, crush-wise, but look at the lips on homeboy over her! I dig his jams too but......oh I'm sorry, did you say something...I WAS LOST IN YOUR EYES.

Stay tuned as the list evolves past this week...

I'm Sorry.

2009-12-15T20:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Hannukah!

2009-12-13T15:51:00.000-08:00

Happy Hannukah!

Sex Rehab With Dr.Drew.

2009-12-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

It's my blog and I can write about whatever asinine shit I want to.

I don't have a t.v. (long story involving a gun and a broken nose in the woods) but I do have the internets (obviously) so I get my fill of amazing crap programs (nearly) commercial free. I love Intervention, which lead me to Celebrity Rehab, which lead me to Sober house, and now Sex Rehab on VH1.com. Here is my vapid synopsis of the characters (no, I don't have anything better to do). Enjoy:

Jennifer Ketchum (aka Penny Flame) – Porn actress / Director / Business woman: Sad and sweet. She reminds me of girls I used to hang out with in middle school; sexually precocious party girls whose dads didn't pay enough attention to.

James “Jamie” Lovett – Surfer / Wakeboarder: Boring, run of the mill surfer bra. He seems brain addled, like he's done too many psychedelics.

Nicole Narain – Model / Playboy Playmate: Fucking stunning. Much more intelligent than she is credited for. Plus, she boned Colin Farrell. Get some self esteem.

Kari Ann Peniche – Beauty queen / Model / Fashion designer: Add moron and evil bratty bitch to that list. Never have I ever wanted to reach through the screen and slap the shit outta someone. What a little piece of shit whiner asshole self absorbed twat . She's from Gresham. And she was once engaged to Aaron Carter. That should tell you something. Idiot. Ugh.

Kendra Jade Rossi – Ex-porn star / Music manager: This bitch creeps me out. She seems sincere in her pain but like a psycho drama queen as well. I bet she is stunning without all the plastic shit in her face.

Duncan Roy - Producer / Writer / Director: Aww. Duncan. Such a nice English boy. I'd like to introduce him to Boy George.

Amber Smith – Supermodel/Reality TV star/Actress: Fell in love with her on Celebrity rehab. How can someone so self aware and intelligent be so fucked up? Her daily epiphanies blow me away. I would totally kick it with her. Lovely.

Phil Varone – Musician: Fuck yeah dude, drummer for Skid Row. Seemingly right up there with Amber; a genuine, intelligent guy. Seems honestly invested in the therapeutic process. I would like to see him with Amber. Heck, if he wasn't close to my dad's age I'd probably bone him.

Well, there you go.

2009-10-20T21:31:00.000-07:00

I DO NOT HAVE CERVICAL CANCER.
My biopsy came back ok.
Life is good.

DEVESTATION.

2009-10-17T00:43:00.000-07:00

Small town drama. Caustic lies.

Twat? I cunt hear you.

2009-10-15T14:18:00.000-07:00

Cervical biopsies=my new least favorite thing ever.
:(

27.

2009-09-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

Today I am 27 years of age. I still feel (and dress) like I'm 6. My life is a good one.

Dear Fat Cat Boss

2009-08-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT. YOU DOCK YOUR EMPLOYEES CHECKS, YOU SEXUALLY HARASS YOUR FEMALE STAFF, AND ARE A GENERAL WASTE OF SKIN AND TEETH. YOU ARE THE DUMBEST, SADDEST, MOST PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING, AND AN EVEN WORSE MANAGER. I HAVE WATCHED EMPLOYEES ROB YOU BLIND OUT OF SHEER HATRED FOR THE WAY YOU DO BUSINESS. YOU SHEISTY MOTHERFUCKER. IT SUCKS THAT YOUR EMPLOYEES ARE ALL LOVELY, GOOD-HEARTED, HARD-WORKING PEOPLE WHO GENUINELY NEED THE PAYCHECKS YOU DOLE OUT, BARELY ABOVE MINIMUM WAGE. NOW I SEE WHY FORMER EMPLOYEES HAVE LAWSUITS PENDING AGAINST YOU. I DON'T WORRY THOUGH. I TAKE A DEEP BREATH, PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE AND PUNCH THAT CLOCK, 'CAUSE KARMA IS A MOTHERFUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER.
AND YOU HAVE MESSED WITH THE WRONG PEON.

I lost 5 lbs!

2009-08-13T00:57:00.000-07:00

YAY! And with my new supplement regimen and more conscious dietary guidelines my cycle has once again started to regulate itself! My new best friends: folic acid, Women's Phase 1 by Vitannica (thank you Tori Hudson, and thank you Suzy!), vitamin A, Vitannica Immune Symmetry and water aerobics! Another damn PAP coming up...but ultrasound results were positive and blood tests are normal. Getting there.

Finally, some good news...

2009-08-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

Got the results of my diabetes blood test back...NEGATIVE! My blood sugar and insulin levels are normal. YAY! No more looking like a junkie with bruises and holes in my arms. I'll spare you the photo. :)

Supplement Cocktail

2009-08-06T01:45:00.000-07:00

About half of my daily intake. Party tiiiime.

Love Note

2009-08-06T00:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Hummus,
I love you.
Sincerely,
Angelina

BLOODsugar

2009-08-04T15:55:00.000-07:00

Ah, the on-going saga. Had to fast last night 'til this morning, had doc appt. @ 8:30 to get more blood drawn. Then they sent me home for two hours with a fucking icky bottle of sugar water crap to drink. I chugged it and took a nap. I live like 2 minutes (on foot) from doc's office and had to be driven for fear I would fall. I was super out of it and lethargic. Drew more blood, went home where I basically dozed on and off until about 1pm! My sister and ma brought me some good fiber and protein snacks. Feeling better. So over needles in my arm, and I am not squeamish. Feeling drained. Literally. No more damn tests!
On a positive note, got a gym membership which basically means I am going to use the pool, maybe a little cardio, although I'm afraid of the weight room because of all the sweaty dudes.
Thanks for all the support! It is by far the most motivating thing! I love you cheerleaders so damn much.
xo

Mini Melt-down

2009-08-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

I did not eat nearly enough today methinks. So many supplements are making my belly a bit urpy, they need to be staggered throughout the day. Need to consume more carbs than I did today. A fine balancing act between deprivation and satiation. Did not pay attention to my body well enough today, had a wee blood sugar crash, recovering with avocado and oat milk. Sheesh.

Day One.

2009-08-01T20:26:00.000-07:00

Day one of self-induced super health binge. Ate reasonably healthy today: veggie soup, apple, rice cakes, string cheese (not ready to go cold turkey on the cheese, even though it's really the only dairy I consume), V8 (I know, high sodium, but man, I love that stuff, it's like a junk food veggie smoothie, thinking about making my own), corn tortillas with black beans and corn smothered with lime, tons of water.
I have been swimming every day this week, in the river granted but I do spend some time treading water and hiking to various spots.
I started taking vitamins again, even a multi, which I think is kind of bullshit, but it's apparent I could use the supplementation at the moment. Omega-3 fish capsules, some liver support vitamins, and some other stuff. Starting slow, vitamins en masse sometimes wreak havoc on my stomach.
I am staying in tonight, getting an early night, decent sleep, etc.
Oh yeah, and no more alcohol, maybe some red wine in moderation, the occasional beer.
My left ovary aches a bit.
So far, so good.
:)

Ps. This site was recommended by a PCOS support page: http://www.sparkpeople.com
It's a bit cheezy but you can basically use their tools to outline a nutrition/fitness program and track your progress.

Left Ovary

2009-07-31T00:54:00.001-07:00

This one has two dots, one is probably a small partially ruptured cyst. This is the ovary I have had problems with.

Right Ovary

2009-07-31T00:50:00.000-07:00

That little black dot is the egg follicle I believe.

Motivation

2009-07-30T23:47:00.000-07:00

July 30th, 2009

My lady parts are broken. For the past few years I have been dealing with various menstrual related maladies and was thought to have endometriosis (Google it), saw a naturopath and was put on a diet/supplement regimine and stuff got better. Then, as of late it has been getting worse. I gained a significant amount of weight, started feeling sluggish and depressed and my periods became fewer and excruciating when I did have them.

After a barrage of really invasive and emotional tests these last few weeks (including PAPs. an external AND internal ultrasound, a ridiculous amount of blood tests and various doc appointments) I have been diagnosed with what appears to be PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I don't have the energy to explain it so click this link if you want all the info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polycystic_ovary_syndrome, which is causing some insulin resistance, crazy mood swings and other scary shit as well as having had an abnormal precancerous PAP, which I'm still in the process of resolving (I realize this is very common but it's never calming to hear).

My doctors have made it apparent that I need to drastically change my daily habits in order to balance my hormones, lose weight and generally feel better, as do most people, but I am at a high risk for developing type 2 diabetes, cancer, heart disease, infertility etc. Yay. I have a hard time motivating myself to get out of my bed sometimes and deal with the realities of my health (although I realize, all things considered, I am mostly in very good health otherwise and am thankful for this).

So there you have it. I am sick of not talking about what is happening with my body, hiding my intense fear, and not knowing how to ask for support. I could give a shit about this being too much info, inappropriate over-sharing, or otherwise. That's why people have blogs. It's a safe forum. I am choosing to take conscious control of my physical and mental well-being in a public way that forces me to be accountable for my healthful progress. Plus, I'm fuckin' freaked out and could use a few cheerleaders.

I plan on starting my new diet/exercise/supplement lifestyle on August 1st as it is one day after the anniversary of my sister's death in 2000, as a tribute to her, as she died at 26 the age I am now.
Bear with me. It's gonna be a long ride.
XO

BLOGGGGG.

2009-06-15T01:39:00.000-07:00

These are a few of my favorite internet things. Try not to be offended.

http://www.dlisted.com/
Celebrity gossip from the funniest gayest meanest blogger.

http://www.incident.net/works/miseanu/nues.html
You know how sometimes you wonder what someone looks like naked? This website is insane!

http://whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com
Kinda sad, but hilarious.

http://www.freetetris.org
I'm obsessed with tetris.

http://dinosaursfuckingrobots.com
It's exactly what it says. And they allow submissions!

http://failblog.org
WIN.

http://totallylookslike.com
Things that totally look like other things.

http://thisisphotobomb.com/
Unfortunate background snap shot sabotage.

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com
So damn funny.

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com
Amazing. And scary. And amazing.

http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com
Just what it says only funnier.

12/3/08

2009-02-11T06:51:00.000-08:00

Things I Am Currently Obsessed With:

Blogs/websites:

http://www.perezhilton.com/ - Celebrity gossip at it's tastiest.

http://www.dlisted.com/ -Even gayer, meaner, tastier celeb gossip.

http://www.viceland.com/int/dos.php?showlimit=1360 -If you're familiar with Vice magazine's Do's and Don'ts fashion section this is the daily updated website. This guy is the funniest motherfucker ever. Oh you crazy Canadians!

http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/ -Funny blog, title says it all.

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/ -See above!

Movie/TV/Video:

(Since I no longer own a television my source of media entertainment is streaming video/Youtube, etc. on the interwang)

A&E Intervention- Holy shit, I need an Intervention from Intervention! I love this show. Each episode covers one or two totally fucked up addicts and their families/lives. I recommend drinking and doing drugs while watching.

TLC Mystery Diagnosis- I love fucked up medical shit. Even better when it's a crazy mysterious brain fungus and no one can figure out what the fuck is wrong with you. So interesting.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia- The first time Erin showed me this on DVD she prefaced it by saying "If you don't find this show the least bit funny, I will re-evaluate our friendship".

Music:
(Keep in mind I live in a teeny isolated coastal hillbilly community, I realize you cultured city folks have been listening to some of this shit for months. Sue me.)

Playlist of the Moment:

You- Atmosphere
Die For My Niggaz- Big Pun
In the Pines- Bill Monroe and His Bluegrass Boys
True Affection- The Blow
Home- Bone Thuggs (feat. Phil Collins)
ALL OF BRIAN ENO'S AMBIENT RECORDINGS
Piece of Me- Britney Spears (a perfectly constructed saccharine pop song at it's finest, I DARE you to dislike this song)
I'm on Fire- Bruce Springsteen (there's a reason he's called the Boss)
Grindin'- Clipse (Reggae Remix ft. Sean Paul, Elephant Man, & Kardinal Offishall)
Play- David Banner (I hate him, he's a misogynistic douchebag who writes bad music, but this song is bangin')
Feed the Animals- GirlTalk (whole album), It's like Greg Gillis has taken a whole three hours of my DJ set and compressed it into one song. STOP READING MY MIND.
Lollipop- Lil Wayne (Boreta Glitch Mob remix)
Tha Carter III- ALL OF IT. Oh Lil Wayne. You are an unstoppable force.
Blind Mary- Gnarls Barkley
NOT CHINESE DEMOCRACY
Girls It Ain't Easy- Honey Comb (Sami understands)
Blood Brothers- Iron Maiden
This Cold- John Frusciante (Bones understands)
Any and all of Ledbelly's catalogue
Paper Planes- M.I.A. (DFA Homeland security remix) (Utah Understands)
Wolfsheim- Pretty much any song
Iron Tusk- Mastodon
Life is a Lemon and I Want My Money Back- Meatloaf (Okay, maybe I just like the title)
Time to Pretend- MGMT (Portland hipsters understand)
ANY OTIS REDDING SONG EVER
Amsterdam- Peter Bjorn and John
Goodbye Horses- Q Lazarus (I don't think anyone understands)
You Remind me of My Jeep- R. Kelly
Live Your Life- T.I. (and the alien Goddess Rihanna)
Whatever You LIke- T.I. (actually the whole album Paper Trails is rad, and written on house arrest, how do you like them apples Lil Wayne)
Cobrastyle-Robyn
Vicky Verky- Squeeze
New Soul- Yael Naim (It's just so pretty, damn it!)
THREE INCHES OF BLOOD!
I Wanna Be Your Man- Zapp and Rodger

(Are you bored yet?)

Food:

Dill pickle flavored sunflower seeds (no, I'm not knocked up)
V8 (forever and a day)
Tom Kai Gha (spicy coconut Thai soup)

And this:
http://www.cakefarts.com

Currently listening:
Advance and Vanquish
By 3 Inches of Blood
Release date: 2004-10-19

The Monster Inside Me, an Essay.

2009-02-11T04:39:00.000-08:00

The Monster In Us All

"Monster". The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines this word as: "1. An animal or plant of abnormal form or structure. 2. One who deviates form normal or acceptable behavior. 3. At threatening force. 4. Something "monstrous"; especially a person of unnatural or extreme ugliness; deformity, wickedness or cruelty." The word is derived from the Latin verb "monere" which means "to remind, to warn". The conjugated form "mostrum" means "an omen" . Related terms: "Freak, fiend, ogre."
The Monster is a re-occuring theme in literature and film. It stands as a metaphor for our greatest fears personified; be it the imaginary boogey man lurking under our bed as a child, things that go bump in the night, a scarily deformed medical anomaly we saw on the evening news, or the darkest side of our personality. For the most part, the "monster" is the unknown. The scariest thing to most is what we cannot understand, cannot see, cannot explain in a way that makes us comfortable, seeing the world as safe and explicable.
In Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein' we see the medical anomaly of the the term. A "mad" scientist, Victor Frankenstein, who creates a monster out of different parts of corpses, a terrible looking creature. "His yellow skin scarcely covered the work of muscles and arteries beneath; his hair was of a lustrous black, and flowing; his teeth of a pearly whiteness; but these luxuriances only formed a more horrid contrast with his watery eyes that seemed almost of the same color as the dun white sockets in which they were set, his shrivelled complexion, and straight black lips." Not something I'd like to bump into in a dark alley. An automatic outcast, physical beauty, and lack thereof is perhaps the ultimate sin in our culture. Even Victor is terrified of his creation, having intended him to be the pinnacle of human beauty and brawn, he flees in terror from the room. The "monster" awakens him that night at his bedside with out stretched arms, his version of "Love me, daddy." Victor flees again and the monster disappears. He learns to speak by watching a peasant family and performs kind deeds that they are unaware of due to the fact that anyone who sees him flees in terror. He admits to murdering Victor's brother and framing their maid for the crime out of revenge. What more human a quality is the need to avenge wrong doing against oneself?! He asks Victor to make for him a female counterpart so he does not have to go through life alone, perhaps the most human of all fundamental fears. Victor complies but has a change of heart and dismantles the female version thinking she will be just as horrifying as his previous creation. The monster is angry, he kills Victor's best friend and later, his wife, running off into the abyss where Victor is in hot pursuit. When they are reunited, Victor's has died and the monster is devastated, he shows true human emotion by feeling remorse. We are meant to view the monster as something to be feared, a model of bad behavior, but if you look deeper you see a reflection of Victor himself, ourselves. What we humans really desire is understanding and acceptance. It is what drives our pursuits as part of our biology. The monster is a metaphor for the inborn evils that exist in human nature: ignorance, violence, and ugliness. These are things that we all have within us but are conditioned are inappropriate behaviors. So the monster is not a monster at all, he is a rough model of humanity, a reflection of our scariest selves. "The fallen angel becomes a malignant devil".
Another literary example of this re-ocurring theme is the Vampire monster featured in Bram Stoker's 'Dracula'. Here we have a social outcast, the Count living an existence whose behavior terrifies others because it is abnormal and sinister by their association. He is immortal, undead,feasting on the blood of his unsuspecting victims. The local people are terrified of him and try to persuade the character Jonathan Harker (who is visiting him to help him sort out some legal documents and real estate) from going further than the train station. Jonathan is at first intrigued by the Count's charismatic nature but soon finds that he is indeed diabolical and dangerous. Jonathan discovers he is imprisoned in the castle at the mercy of the Count and his three "strange women". They are strange and taboo because they exist in a state unlike the other local people. The local's lives are dominated by Christianity, which has a strict moral conduct. The Vampire maidens exist as a sexual temptation to Jonathan, who is engaged. He finds them alluring and repulsive at the same time. He writes in his journal: "I felt in my heart a wicked, burning desire that they would kiss me with those red lips. It is not good to note this down, lest some day it should meet Mina's eyes and cause her pain; but it it the truth." The sin of infidelity, and the atonement of guilt. The Count to the town's people is personification of the devil. Harker escapes and journeys home. In his absence the Count pursues his fiance Mina, who in an obviously sensual manner, with the overt sexual implication of this exchange of fluids, he feeds off of. She begins to form an invisible bond with Dracula, becoming "possessed" by this devil. She is hypnotized in order to become a channel for the Count's whereabouts. She feels "unclean" and unholy as a vessel for this monster. She expresses this to her (now) husband and attending Dr. Van Helsing, who protects her by crucifix. Jonathan (who has since been reunited) says: "Nonsense, Mina. It is a shame to me to hear such a word. I would not hear it of you; and shall not hear it form you. May God judge me by my deserts, and punish me with more bitter suffering than even this hour..." All of this Christian prayer and artifacts are their protection from the Vampire devil. He is the ultimate Christian deviant; sexual perversion, cannibalism, lust, greed and devilish behavior. The ultimate monster amongst Christians.
This brings us to what I believe is the ultimate "monster", and an existing contemporary theme: the monster of mental illness. All of the works we have read have touched on the subject and it's gothic elements, but the master of this apparent monster is Edgar Allan Poe. In 'A Tell-tale Heart' the nameless narrator murders an old man because of his "vulture eye". He cuts up the body and hides it under the floor boards. He then experiences auditory hallucinations of the man's heart beating under the floor. This act is very obviously grotesque, insane and wrong, or is it? The narrator gives his account on why his sanity is up for discussion. "True!-nervous-very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses-not destroyed-not dulled them....How, then, am I mad?" That is how he begins the story. He perceives his illness has made his senses acute, sees it as an asset. Brings to mind the saying "There is a thin line between madness and genius." Poe himself walked this line. He was an eccentric and tormented man, but also a true genius of his time. He was also very obviously mentally ill. His life was spotted with death and tragedy. I believe him to have suffered from severe depression, possibly bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and anxiety, as well as very obvious alcoholism that was debatably his cause of death. The character in 'A Tell-tale Heart' suffers from some similar afflictions. It is an uncomfortable read. Mental illness is the final medical frontier; we can study it all we like but it is not as cut and dry as simple bodily anatomy. The mind is subjective. Can we ever really know what goes on in someone else's brain? We cannot. Which is what makes the mentally ill the ultimate "monsters". We are ingrained to fear what we cannot and do not understand.
I am reminded of the re-ocurring tormented madman/triumphant artist dichotomy with the example of many artists and musicians who also walked that line. One of my favorites is Daniel Johnston, who was featured in a documentary several years ago called "The Devil and Daniel Johnston". He has suffered from severe bipolar depression and touches of schizophrenia. He is also a brilliant artist and a fragile and beautiful soul. One of his more well known songs is "The Monster Inside Me" where he talks about his illness, his pursuit of love and happiness and his embracing of his "monster", a part of himself he knows exists regardless.
These are the lyrics:

Every time you look at me
You see the monster in my eye
If you could only help me girl
We could be in paradise

Be happy every after
And there would be no more tears
Eternal peace is what I'm after
Maybe girl, you could help me understand
The monster inside of me

You know that I want you
You can see that I need you
But you hate the monster
Well honey, I do too.

I need your love to carry me
Out of the darkness of the pit
You know I feel just like shit
Maybe girl, you could help me fight
The monster inside of me

Maybe if someone had said to Vincent Van Gogh
"Keep punching, Joe!"
Maybe he'd be here today.
Maybe he'd be here today.

You inspire the strength within
And I can be conquerer
As my spirit rise above us
Maybe girl, you could help me destroy
The monster inside of me

And we could be happy
And we could be happy
And we could be happy
And we could be happy

I think this song is an example of the monster inside everyone.
On that note (pun intended), what we cannot rationalize, dissect, or ultimately understand becomes our greatest fear, or scariest "monster".
The alter ego, the shadow self, the taboo, the crazy, the ugly, the inexplicable, the inherent beauty of darkness.

Holy Moly, It's MatriMOANy

2009-02-11T04:31:00.000-08:00

I have never been married, nor do I aspire to. I respect the sanctity of marriage, I think it is lovely that two people feel like they can be committed and happy with one person for the rest of their lives, I know several couples who have been together for multiple decades happily and securely. I do not however believe this is conducive to general human nature. I believe Margaret Mead's theory on serial love (we choose successive mates throughout our lives based on the life stage we are currently in) rings true for a large portion of humans, especially my generation. Although Mead was also poly-amorous, having several lovers at the same time which to me sounds both emotionally exhausting and open to jealousy and insecurity. I'm more of a serial monogamist. My last long term relationship ended amicably because we were growing apart due to where we were headed individually, both emotionally and physically. We were entering new phases of our lives that were not compatible to each other, even though we were a good match intellectually, physically and emotionally. It was a fantastic, well balanced functional relationship. It just wasn't forever.
I certainly can't see myself getting married until my gay friends are universally given the same marriage rights. How can I believe in an institution that promotes only one kind of acceptable love, isn't that ultimately what marriage and long term commitment are based on? Granted I am young, independent and restless. I'm too busy cultivating my individual life and improving my own future, and I am thankful I was born in the century I was born in, my grandmother's generation frowned on single women living alone. I am proud that I pay my own bills, am independently employed and have many opportunities unprovided to previous generations. I have the luxury of questioning the necessity of marriage. But you know, I am a true believer in love, a hopeless romantic, total cheese-ball, and despite my cynical opinion- I always cry at weddings.

Building Buildings

2009-01-28T00:56:00.000-08:00

City Scapes
Big shitty
The city scrapes
Gapes
Wide open and waiting
A beckoning concrete shudder
Fickle bitch, a lover
I can hear her moaning, groaning
Ushering me inside her rebar embrace
Do I fall, do I fall, do I fall?
With Grace

THE YEAR IN MUSIC.

2008-12-30T18:49:00.000-08:00

DJ EARWORM'S MASH-UP OF 2008'S TOP 25 SINGLES.

WHAT A CACOPHONY OF SOUNDS. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, GIRLTALK?!

http://djearworm.com/united-state-of-pop-2008.htm

SNOWED IN!

2008-12-15T00:45:00.000-08:00

For R.A.M., D.M.M. and A.D.G. (In Remembrance)

2008-12-09T18:02:00.000-08:00

Becky. My sister. My best friend. My other half. My heart. There are no words.

Dave. Minor Threat. You have been in my thoughts recently. In fact, you are a resident there. You have been in my dreams lately, a frequently occurring visitor. I miss you so much it turns me inside out.

Andrew. Haulin' Oats. I am crying as I type this. I'm crying and fucking blogging! I'm clogging. You'd appreciate the pathetic humor of that. I drank a single Guinness for you this week. I see your face every time I look at your daughter.

I love you. I miss you. You are still all alive within me.

My Soul Smells Like Hot Dogs.

2008-12-08T23:54:00.000-08:00

The tag on my Yogi tea says- "Your breath is the voice of your soul". I just ate two turkey hot dogs. Does that mean my soul smells like hot dogs?

A Silent Prayer.

2008-11-09T18:41:00.000-08:00

A silent prayer and a quiet vigil for a friend in trouble. I love you I love you I love you. You are bigger than this. You are better than this. You are hidden inside the monster. Knock three times and come on out. Big love and heavy hearts. See YOU soon.

2008-11-03T23:34:00.000-08:00

Great loss makes you impervious to pain.

Moral CompASS.

2008-10-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

Moral compass my ass. You know who you are and we both know why you sell yourself short. Pretty may seem to get you everything, but I stole your everything. You resent the guiding light which was kindled by another flame. You make me so angry in my own reflection, and too sad to turn away. That invisible line becomes more invisible every day.

21st Century Intentions.

2008-10-11T17:08:00.000-07:00

I have arrived ya'll. I am BLOGGING. Welcome to my brain. P.s. If I hear anything more about Sarah Palin I am going to FREAK OUT. She's evil. We get it. Now tell me what Britney and Paris are up to.

WaxPoetix

Imbolc.

For possibly the first time in my life...

Salty Prayers.

Reasons I Love My Belly (and have abolished body hatred):

The Ex-files.

Current Fave Jamz

*POOF*! Be gone.

Clean Bill of Health

28.

MUSE-IC

Anniversary

I GRIEVE FOR YOU.

If you could be a fusion of two animals, which two would they be and what would your new animal name be? such as(lion+tiger= Liger)

What celebrity would play you in a movie about your life?

formspring.me

Do you believe there's intelligent life on other planets?

formspring.me

Foodz n late night munchiez.

Tulip Mania

For in this moment, it is perfect. Even if all we have is this moment.

Get Your Nails DID.

Let it Bleed.

Fuck You To The Following:

Neato

Sometimes I Worry...

Celebrity Rehab 3!

Current Celebrity Crushes

I'm Sorry.

Happy Hannukah!

Happy Hannukah!

Sex Rehab With Dr.Drew.

DEVESTATION.

Twat? I cunt hear you.

27.

Dear Fat Cat Boss

I lost 5 lbs!

Finally, some good news...

Supplement Cocktail

Love Note

BLOODsugar

Mini Melt-down

Day One.

Left Ovary

Right Ovary

Motivation

BLOGGGGG.

12/3/08

The Monster Inside Me, an Essay.

Holy Moly, It's MatriMOANy

Building Buildings

THE YEAR IN MUSIC.

SNOWED IN!

For R.A.M., D.M.M. and A.D.G. (In Remembrance)

My Soul Smells Like Hot Dogs.

A Silent Prayer.

Moral CompASS.

21st Century Intentions.

POOF! Be gone.